YOUR SUPER POWER

Self Esteem is the hidden superpower that we are all born with. Self Esteem helps protect us from life’s challenges and gives us the confidence to be ourselves. Unfortunately, it can be difficult to keep that superpower healthy and strong with everything going on! We spend so much time focusing on how we look on the outside, and what other people think about us, that we spend little to no time understanding how we feel on the inside, and developing a stable self image. We love throwing up the highlights on our socials, but when all you see are the positives in everyone’s life, you can easily start to feel that you don’t measure up. We want to talk about your hidden superpower. Self-Esteem is simply how much we value or like ourselves, how much we think that we are worth as a person. You see, when your self-esteem is healthy, no matter what you face in life, or how hard life gets, we can access this superpower to bounce back from any disappointment or setback that might come our way. When it’s not healthy, everything is a lot harder; we have a fear of failing or trying new things, we have a feeling that everyone else is better than us in some way or another, and we also have trouble taking encouragement from people. Having a healthy filter for your self-esteem is so important and is one of the keys to being strong and resilient so that we can really start living our best lives! We all want that right? Here are some thoughts around those filters:

The Love Filter

The first filter we’re going to mention, is the L-O-V-E - love filter. Now we’re not just talking about that romantic and sappy love between couples, but we’re talking about the love that you get from your parents, that love from your brother and sisters, family friends and everyone else in-between. The Love that makes you feel like you are seen, valued and appreciated, and like someone really cares about your existence. You see, the way that you view love is really important. There are two main types of views about love that we are going to mention, one is unhealthy, and the other one is healthy.. (pssst. Heres a tip.. we want to have the healthy one!)

HEALTHY FILTER: Unconditional Love is when our filter is healthy and we know that it’s not what we DO that means we are value, it’s who we ARE. Have you ever had a really bad fight or an argument with your siblings where you say or do things that you didn’t mean, and then 5 minutes later you both apologise and it’s like nothing ever happened? Well, that’s the type of unconditional love that we’re talking about. When I was a teenager, we had a pet dog named Tasha. I wanted to teach her some tricks and to teach a dog tricks you need some treats, right? So I thought, what better treat than chocolate! For the next few months, I was giving our pet dog the most amazing treats ever, lucky her! Well... Mum eventually found out where all the chocolate from the pantry was disappearing to. Who knew chocolate would be so bad for dogs?! (Don’t worry, she was ok!) But man, did I get in trouble - Mum was sooo mad! You see, when that happened, I wasn’t thinking to myself “Oh man.. I need to find another family now, Mum, Dad and everyone else hate me. I’ll never be accepted after this. They’ll never forgive me...” No way! Even though I messed up, I got majorly busted and I almost killed the family dog (trust me, she was ok!) I knew that my parents still loved me, and no matter how bad I messed up, I’d always be accepted and valued (Phew). Unconditional love is that deep feeling of significance and value that you get from belonging to a family, or maybe you have a best friend who you can be completely yourself with, and you know that they will accept you no matter what. People who have experienced unconditional love are more likely to:

- Deal with stress better
- Have better physical health
- Have a stronger self-esteem
- Have better brain development

UNHEALTHY FILTER: Conditional Love is when we feel like we are only worth loving when we DO something right. We feel like our value and worth to be loved is based on our actions. Things like getting good marks in school, or when we score a goal at the footy game or when we finish our jobs at home. This type of filter leads to an unhealthy way of feeling about your own worth because if you mess up, or don’t kick the most goals in footy, or get the best grades in school, you think that its a reflection of your value as a person, and you can end up feeling like you’ll never measure up, or be worth loving. When we see the world like this, it’s hard to even accept that people around you love you unconditionally. If you’ve found yourself seeing through this unhealthy filter, here’s a quote to write down on your bathroom mirror to remind yourself:

“You are valuable because you exist. Not because of what you do or what you have done, but simply because you are.”

— Max Lucado

Have a chat with someone you trust about how you see yourself and what you can do understand your true value and strengthen your self esteem.
Plus there are some practical things that you can do to improve an unhealthy view to something that’s healthy! It’s a little thing called, self- compassion!

Check out one of our other articles on self-compassion here.

by Dave Bican
IZRA team

SELF COMPASSION

If you’re anything like us, failure is something that we grew up hating and would do almost anything to avoid! Whether it’s getting a certain mark on a test, reaching a fitness goal or perfecting that skill, failure often feels like a step backwards and something that we need to punish ourselves for.

Sometimes punishing ourselves looks like the way we speak to ourselves, our internal voice telling us that we’re stupid or pathetic (or whatever your inner voice sounds like) and consistently reminding ourselves of our failure, like a broken record of doom! It can look like hiding our failures out of shame and embarrassment, avoiding the people who could help us and isolating ourselves. Other times it can look like punishing ourselves by not allowing ourselves to do the things we love, like hanging out with friends or things that we find relaxing.

Somewhere along the way, we tell ourselves that to reach our goals, we need to be hard on ourselves and punish failure. However, while self-discipline and routine are really important, research is telling us that seeing failure negatively and allowing ourselves to feel ashamed and embarrassed of it is actually one of the worst things we can do if we want to be resilient to failure and bounce back from it quickly!

When we have a habit of punishing ourselves for failures or mistakes and see them as something to be ashamed of, research is telling us that we are much less likely to try new things, step out of our comfort zone, ask for help and persist at developing a skill to the point of excellence.

What the studies are saying, is that a much better approach to failure and disappointment is to show ourselves compassion. Self-Compassion might seem fluffy and vague, but it is really just remembering that everyone fails and makes mistakes. When we stuff up, self-compassion acknowledges that it can be painful and doesn’t try to make you feel worse by rubbing it in or being all dramatic about it. Showing yourself compassion means taking a step back and looking at the bigger picture.

Here are some really easy ways to show self-compassion this week:

1. Celebrate the small wins: A big part of self-compassion is acknowledging the failure, but looking for the growth. If you failed the section on trigonometry in your Math test because you were using the wrong formula, it might be really disappointing that you didn’t get the mark you wanted, but self-compassion will help you celebrate the fact that you learnt the correct formula and won’t make the same mistake next time. Self-compassion allows you to ask for help because everyone needs help at some point and celebrates growth no matter how it came about.

2. Ask yourself “How would I treat a friend in this situation?”: Think of the way that you would treat a friend when they stuffed up. Chances are you would see their disappointment and find ways to encourage them! You wouldn’t point out everything that could go wrong because of this, you would point out what they learnt from the disappointment and remind them that everyone makes mistakes. Try sharing some of that love with yourself next time you slip up.

3. Remember the 5 by 5 rule: If it won’t matter in 5 years, don’t spend more than 5 minutes stressing about it. If it will matter in 5 years, put your energy into making it right, rather than wallowing or hiding your mistake.
   If you missed the winning goal in your basketball game, forgive yourself and practice your shooting.
   If you let down a friend, apologise and make it up, rather than letting it become dramatic and talking to everyone except the friend about it.
   If you forgot your lines in front of the whole school assembly, forgive yourself and remember that it happens to everyone.
   Dwelling on your mistakes only diminishes your confidence for next time. Forgiving yourself, letting it go and learning, will see you bounce back better than before!
   
   

Next time you stuff something up or fail (probably within the next 24 hours), remember, punishing yourself won’t make you better next time! Cut yourself some slack, talk to yourself like you would talk to your friend and throw your energy into learning for next time.

You can find a little more on Self-Compassion by Dr. Kristin Neff here.

ARE YOU GOING TO LEAVERS?

Leavers is here and as 9000 graduates descend on the South West, we at Red Frogs Australia, want to share four tips and tricks to help you stay safe throughout the week.

1. Ask for help!: There are so many support services there to help if you're in trouble, or even if you just want to hang out. They won’t find you annoying by asking for help, that's literally what these services are down there for.

Some numbers to remember (all 24hour services)

-       Emergencies - 000

-       Red Frogs hotline number - 1300 557 123

-       Police attendance - 131 444

-       Kids Helpline - 1800 551 800

2. Make a buddy system: A buddy system is a great way to ensure you’re never left behind and neither are your friends. Make sure at least one of your mates has a phone (charged) or power bank as a backup.

3. Don't leave drinks unattended: Leaving open drinks around is a sure-fire way to land yourself in a bit of trouble. Stats show women are targeted 80% times more than men when it comes to drink spiking, so ladies, be careful! Leaving around an open drink makes you vulnerable. You never know what other people's plans are for your night, even if you don't want that yourself.

4. Take stock of your mental health: Leavers is an intense week with high emotions and a lot of people seeking to let loose. If you are feeling down, please know that it is normal, and there is help for you. You don’t need to feel sucky alone.

For more tips and tricks, head to the Red Frogs Australia website and have a stellar week!

The Red Frogs Team

Stay Connected

Red Frogs Australia

Leavers WA

HOW TO SURVIVE A BREAK-UP

Break-ups suck. They feel like you’ve been kicked in the gut and a piece of your heart has been ripped out all at the same time. Well, at least that’s how I remember them. I’ve had my fair share of relationship misfortunes and felt the sting of being dumped, but one thing I know for sure is this - it’s not the end of the story, or at least it doesn’t have to be. Heartache might be your current pitstop, but despair is not your final destination.

Here are a few tips that’ll help you survive this break-up period and get you through to a brighter side and a better day.

1. LOOK AT THE BIG PICTURE.

In high-school I dated a guy for nearly 3 years. He was attractive, talented and a good boyfriend. At the time I definitely thought we’d be together forever. Although somewhere deep down I think I knew he wasn’t right for me, and I wasn’t right for him, it still hurt when we eventually broke-up. I was left confused, disorientated and disillusioned. Staying together for the sake of it would have done both of us more harm than good. And unknown to me, something (or should I say someone) amazing was just around the corner. That very same year I met a guy called Ben. He turned out to be the sweetest, most genuine, faithful, fun and handsome man to ever come my way. Today, we’ve been happily married for over a decade, are still passionately in love and have been blessed with two gorgeous kids to call our own. When I look at the big picture, all of my past relationship disappointments feel like a distant memory. So, don’t be disheartened by a temporary setback. It might just be a set-up for something better down the track.

2. CLOSE THE DOOR AND THROW AWAY THE KEY.

So often when we call it quits in a relationship, we don't actually shut the door entirely (just in case it’s meant to be). Listen up friend, you’ll never actually move past him or her until you actually let go of them fully. A wound can’t heal if it’s constantly re-opened. Now is the time to shut the door and throw away the key. This’ll give you time and space to reflect, rethink and reset in the best way possible. And hey if really is meant to be, it’ll come around again at the right time, not before.

3. DISCONNECT COMPLETELY.

Even if you’ve both decided to stay friends (because you’re mature and chill like that ha) it’s definitely best to fully disconnect (online and in real life) right after the break up. No talk, no text and definitely no Facebook stalking (which I am totally guilty of). Scrolling through your x-girlfriend’s Instagram feed is a sure way to fuel old feelings and most likely cause new ones like – sadness, loss, pain (all that tragic stuff that makes us want to eat a tub of ice-cream). On that note, nothing wrong with a tub of ice-cream from time to time. Am I right?

4. FOCUS ON THE GOOD THINGS IN YOUR LIFE.

Sometimes, when we’re facing a challenging circumstance in our life, the best thing we can do is switch our focus from what we don’t have, to what we do. Simple gratitude has a way of changing our perspective! And your perspective or perception will ultimately shape your reality. So, what can you be grateful for today? Your family? Good health? Great friends? An education? A roof over your head? A job? A dream? Your faith? Fix your eyes on the good things in your life.

5. GET AROUND YA CREW.

As human beings we are made for connection. Like the real, raw & deep kind. Not the fake, superficial, shallow stuff. In a time like this don’t isolate yourself and try and avoid people because you’re embarrassed or upset. This is the time you need your squad right by your side, whatever that may look like for you. It may just look like hanging out, having a laugh or going to the movies. Point is, get around your crew and lean into supportive, loving, positive friendships. It will do you a world of good and help you avoid the downward spiral.

6. DUMP THE TRIGGERS.

I know this can be difficult but get rid of anything that reminds you of your x. It will make the letting go process so much harder if you’re going to bed every night in one if his old t-shirts or staring at the picture frame she made for you last Valentine’s. When I broke up with my high-school boyfriend I had to dump a bunch of mementos because, plain and simple, it made me miss his company. So, trash the triggers, delete the pictures and throw away (or return) any gifts or keepsakes. Don’t be rude, just be honest with yourself and them.

7. EMBRACE YOUR FEELINGS, BUT DON'T LIVE BY THEM.

Ultimately, emotions are what make us human and add so much beauty and brilliance to our lives, but if we're completely driven and dictated by them we’ll end up on a roller coaster of drama and chaos (which sounds fun in theory but leads to a whole lot of dysfunction in real life). It’s ok to feel angry or sad, heartbroken or rejected, just don’t stay in that place friend, don’t set up tent and squat there the rest of your life. You’ve gotta keep moving through the valley if you want to get to the mountaintop.

I know it’s easy to say and hard to live out, but we need to take control of our emotions and not let them control us. I once heard a great analogy that emotions are like indicators on a dashboard. They are like little signals that should make us pop the hood and take a closer look. In themselves they’re neither good nor bad, but a by-product of our current thoughts, beliefs, and responses. So, be deliberate about what you feed your mind. Just like the body, what you put in either makes you healthy or sick. Maybe that means avoiding romantic movies if they make you feel like you’re missing out? Or jumping off the internet late at night because everything you see fuels your desire for intimacy.

Time doesn’t heal all wounds, it’s what you do with that time that really matters. So be intentional, be courageous, just because you get knocked down doesn’t mean you have to stay down and know this - you’re not alone friend! Like so many before you, you’ll get through this one day at a time.  

Much love,

Sabrina x

Insecurities

Insecurities are something that the majority of us have, but they just show themselves in different ways. Some insecurities rear their ugly heads as arrogance and douchy-ness, but are really just masking a fear of not being good enough, while other insecurities are straight up fear and you can see it a mile away. Both kinds need to be dealt with if you want to get anywhere in life.

I was super self conscious and insecure growing up, even into my first few years of uni. My insecurities were so bad that they stopped me from doing a bunch of normal things. An example of this that is SOOOO embarrassing is that I didn’t order anything from the canteen at my high school until Year 12, because I was so scared of going up there and not knowing what to do. Now I know, that is unbelievably pathetic, but that’s exactly what insecurities do, they prevent you from actually living your life. Insecurities will always blind you to the opportunities outside of your security and comfort zone.

Fear in whatever form it comes; fear of failure, fear of other people’s opinions, shame and anxiety, will ALWAYS make your life smaller.

I believe that one of the reasons so many of us deal with insecurity is because we are so darn self-obsessed. Now don’t get me wrong, I think it is important to be self aware and capable of self reflection, but when all we think about is ourselves, that is dangerous territory. It is very easy to fall into this trap, with Instagram and Snapchat and the media and all the other things we love to blame for the modern day problems we have. There comes a point though where we have to take responsibility for the people we are becoming and not hold onto those excuses anymore.

Self-obsession doesn’t always look like being overly confident and arrogant, sometimes it looks like obsessing over things and becoming anxious. Sometimes self obsession is an unhealthy focus on things like how big your thighs are, how small your muscles are, how big your pimples are, how that person looked at you sideways… *insert your insecurities here*

Take it from me, a recovering ‘self-obsesser’, this kind of focus will get you nowhere and is a slippery slope to eating disorders, exercise obsession, people pleasing, anxiety, depression and countless hours of wasted time, with lost opportunities.

It’s also really lame to hang out with a ‘self-obsesser’, because all they want to do is talk about themselves, unable to see anything else…. Or anyone else.  

So do you want to hear how to stop self-obsession?
Are you ready?

Stop thinking about yourself.

Seriously, that’s it.

For whatever kind of self-obsession you have, stop focussing on yourself all the time.

A great way to think about yourself less is to find something bigger than yourself that you care about and invest into that. Sarah Silverman says “Mother Teresa didn't walk around complaining about her thighs—she had ‘stuff’ to do.”

*light bulb moment*

Maybe our issue isn’t always how to love the size of our thighs or how to be happy with what our follower to like ratio is on Instagram, maybe our issue is that we need to find some *stuff* worth doing…

If you are stuck for what that *stuff * might look like for you, then all you have to do is... FIND SOME PEOPLE TO HELP.

Who cares if it is your life’s calling or whether it looks good on your insta story, just find something bigger than yourself and throw yourself into it.

Trust me, you won’t have to look very far. There are plenty of people, organisations and causes you can help, all you need is a bit of time and a bit of care factor.

Now, I’m not saying that all of your insecurities will disappear overnight, some things we have to retrain our brain to think about, but spending less time obsessing over ourselves is a great start.

As Sarah Silverman pointed out, it’s hard to worry about whether you have a legit thigh gap or whether it’s only there when you pose on that awkward angle, when you are helping people who don’t know where their next meal is coming from!

Cass

Recovering Self- Obsessor and Founder of IZRA

13 Reasons Why, Season 2 - tips for parents

Today, Netflix’s notorious TV-series, 13 Reasons Why, comes out with a second season. After the profound cultural effect Season 1 had, particularly on young people and those with a history of mental illness, it is understandable that some parents may be feeling a little nervous.

We have yet to watch this season, so we are not certain of the content explored in Season 2. However we have a pretty good idea from what Netflix has shared, that the issues from last season such as suicide, sexual assault, bullying and violence, will continue.

One thing we do believe from quotes by the producers is that there will not be another suicide scene depicted. While it is a positive thing that such a graphic act will not be shown again, Hannah’s story will still play a strong role in the season and it is believed that Alex’s attempted suicide at the end of season 1 will be explored as well.

One of the greatest dangers of the show we believe, aside from the adult themes, is the fact that the entire season is made available at once on Netflix. Rather than watching an episode a week, where plenty of normal life can happen in between, the season can be ‘binge watched’ all at once. If we as adults can struggle with the self-control to stop binge watching our favourite show on a weeknight, when we have work the next day, then we can hardly expect teenagers to have more self-control and to moderate their exposure in the isolation of their own room.

Watching multiple episodes at a time in isolation, while sleep deprived, is a dangerous way for any young person to process the themes shown in 13 Reasons Why, so we recommend that restrictive measures are put in place to limit access to the show or internet.

While the series contains mature and adult themes, unfortunately it would be naive of us to assume that our young people are not already exposed to some of these issues through their friendship groups and school life. Depending on the age of your teenager and the boundaries already in place in your household, if they are old enough and determined to watch the series, we recommend that you find a way to play a part in their experience with some of the following tips:

1.     Help your young person understand that they do not have to watch the show. Provide the perspective that, even though everyone else might be watching it, the hype is probably only going to last a couple of weeks, but the images and experiences of the show could last a lot longer in their minds…

2.     Put a plan in place to ensure they do not watch the whole thing at once! Encourage your young person to keep their plans and commitments this weekend, or help them make plans so that they are not bingeing the series, especially at night. Perhaps you can agree that they’re going to break up the episodes by getting up and saying hi to someone in your house after each episode, or you could take them out for dessert randomly on Saturday night, or you could have the internet turned off at a certain time in the evening.

3.     Recognise that some of the things that happen in this series may not just trigger personal memories or experiences for your young person, but may also be a trigger for experiences their friends have been through and shared.  It is important not to downplay the impact their friend’s experiences can have on them, and still be there for emotional support or processing if needed.

4.     Encourage your young person to watch it with someone! Either you could show genuine interest in watching it with them (making sure you bring generous snacks with you!), or encourage them to find someone else that they can watch it with, like an older sibling or friend who will help bring moderation. That way, if anything gets a bit much and they just need to chat in the moment, someone will be right there.

5.     Do your research and go into your discussion about the show prepared. Headspace have some great resources to help and we produced a free Discussion Guide for the last season. If your young person makes a reference to the show, don’t pounce on what they said or them. Whether you are happy they are watching it or not, they don’t need your judgement in this moment, they need someone to process with and support them seeking further help if needed.

While talking about these issues is important, if you or someone you know is at risk, it is critical to get help from a professional resource or call Lifeline on 13 11 14.

 

Failure

I’ve always hated failure.

In high school, I became the master at avoiding anything that could risk me looking like a failure.

I booked doctor appointments on swimming carnival days.

I signed up for extra curricular stuff that could get me out of sports class.

Doesn't seem too harmful though right? Just getting out of sport in highschool.....

The problem is though, this avoidance of failure became a habit for me in every area of life. If I wasn’t 100% sure I would excel in something straight away, I would find a way out of trying it.

Sadly, every time you decide to avoid something out of a fear of failure, you shrink the boundaries of your life. When a fear of failure makes decisions for you, you stop yourself from learning some pretty valuable lessons that failure has to offer.

Now, people often throw around this question to try and inspire us to step out of our comfort zones, they ask, ‘what would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail?’

This automatically positions us to believe that failure is bad and should stop us from trying things. When they ask that, we think of all of these amazing things we would do; the careers we would start, the people we could help, the dreams we would follow.

That’s all well and good to think about, but we know that failure if a part of life,. The reality is that if you ever find yourself in a situation where there is no risk of failure, it probably means that you’re not stepping out of your comfort zone at all!

I think a far more powerful question to ask yourself is, ‘what would I do, if I was the kind of person that failure couldn’t crush?’

If I could learn how to be resilient or strong enough to pick myself up after failure and take only the lessons I learnt, what would I do?

If I was someone who didn’t take failures on as part of who I am, what would I try?

We talk about this in schools all the time, because we believe that the way we see failure is going to be a game changer in life. It’s not your talent or personality or money that will determine whether you succeed or not, it’s how you bounce back from failure.

If you can change the way you see failure, then fear doesn’t determine the boundaries of your life and the stakes are lowered when you step out and try something new.

Depression - 'THE AFTERMATH'

by Dakota Kenzig
I remember what it felt like, physically. People thought I was just emotionally struggling, but it was more than that. It felt like I was stuck in a wooden box. Like the ones they’d use on freight ships. Small, dark, only sometimes could I see glimmers of light between the cracks. But, the worst part about it was the feeling of suffocation. The oxygen was so limited, so much so I’d have to take small, shallow breaths just so I could preserve my energy. That’s the thing, people think you’re just sad.. But, it’s actually tiring. You feel so exhausted all the time and even the smallest task would wear you out.

I remember sitting for hours on end, asking myself what I had done to deserve this and what I could do to change it. Days seemed to blend together, colours soon appeared as shades of grey, food didn’t have a taste.. In the morning I didn’t want to get up and at night I didn’t want to go to sleep because I knew the next day would be exactly the same. I was so fixated on how I was feeling, I didn’t see how it was affecting my life and the people around me. My friends stopped talking to me, my mother was concerned, I was losing weight, I was sleeping all the time but I was always tired and I was failing in school. It felt inescapable, like I was trapped.

"For once, I could see a glimpse of the light and I didn’t feel hopeless, and it felt so good."

But.. Sometimes all it takes is someone to reach out their hand. I remember I was sitting with a friend and although I didn’t say anything, he could see just how much I was hurting. And then he took hold of my hand and said “Sometimes it helps to talk to someone. Its doesn’t have to be me.. Or your family.. But maybe if you talk to just one person, you might feel a little better.” For once, I could see a glimpse of the light and I didn’t feel hopeless, and it felt so good.

That night I started researching and I was so amazed to see that I wasn’t the only one. There were so many others out there, that felt the same way as me. For so long I had felt so isolated and this proved to me that everything I was feeling, was completely normal. It was more than normal, it was human.

That night, while researching, I found a not-for-profit organization that helped people just like me talk about how they’re feeling.

The first session I went to; I didn’t say a single word. I just sat there and cried. Which was something I hadn’t ever allowed myself to do. I thought I owed it to myself to find out if this was really for me. After all, it sure beat how I was previously coping. So, week after week I returned for my sessions.

Slowly, but surely, I was cracking open that wooden box I had felt bound to for such a long time. I could see the light; I could breathe again.

"If I’ve learnt anything from my experience, it's that nothing is permanent."

Now, let’s fast forward a few years. I’m a completely changed person. Now, I look forward to each day because I know there’s a new opportunity waiting for me. I spend my days doing things I love and with the people I love. I breathe so easily and I see the light in everything I do. I feel nothing but joy, knowing that I wake up each day a better person. Stronger, healthier and in control of how I feel. If I’ve learnt anything from my experience, it's that nothing is permanent. Pain is temporary and there is a life filled with joy, opportunities and experiences waiting for you. One day, you will look back and say to yourself “Man, if I survived that, I can survive anything.”

---

If you or a friend are feeling depressed or having thoughts about suicide, you need to know that many have made it through these feelings without causing harm and that there are people who care enough to help you. They aren't going to tell you that it's stupid or that you are over reacting-seriously, they wake up in the morning, SUPER KEEN to help people like you and they are GOOD at it. 

WHAT TO DO:

• Get in touch with Lifeline- you can call them on 13 11 14 OR chat online from 6pm-2am.

• Share with someone you trust – you shouldn't go through this alone. Tell them how you feel and that you are thinking of suicide. Ask them to help you keep safe. If they don't understand it, find someone who does.

• If life is in danger – call emergency services 000

Or get some more info:

Beauty isn't Threatened

"You can tell who the strong women are, they are the ones you see building each other up instead of tearing each other down."

Today is International Women's Day.
We think there are so many wonderful things about being a girl, so many reasons to chuck a party and watch a chick flick. 

We think there is a pretty big thing that can make us girls go next level though! You see a lot of girls seem to be a little confused when it comes to understanding their Value and Beauty. Somewhere a long the line, we girls started to believe the lie that someone else's beauty is a threat to our own; that somehow if someone else is beautiful, that must mean we are not.

We know, it sounds really stupid when you say it like that... Just because one cake tastes good, doesn't mean another cake can't taste good, but when it comes to our own beauty, we believe the lie nonetheless. 

Image by Harley Quinn and Co. 

Tragically, we feel so threatened by different expressions of beauty, we often either spend lots of time focussing on our own flaws, or feel the need to find flaws in others, to feel better about our own. 

A really cool thing happens though when we realise that someone else's Beauty or Value will never be in competition with our own, it is merely a different expression. 
When we start to understand that our value doesn't change, we feel totally free to focus on the good in others, without it threatening the good in ourselves. 

Imagine if we as girls felt free to build each other up, instead of tearing each other down. Imagine how confident YOU would feel if all of your girlfriends only built you and those around you up.

This International Women's Day, let's take a minute to remind ourselves that our Beauty and Value is never threatened by others and that you have the power to influence whether the girls around you are built up or torn down. We know which one we think is stronger! 

Conflict

I'm sure we've all been at a place where the situation feels too sticky to go back to.

Of course I am talking about our old friend conflict.

I can often recall myself thinking back.. Was I actually right? Was the other person right?

Does it actually matter who was right?

One of my less finer moments I can recall was with a teacher. I had been caught red handed in year 7 spreading vicious rumours about other people in my class. SCANDALOUS!

In the moment- I was so desperate to find someone else to pin it on. Someone else who made me do it! Someone who blackmailed me and forced me to do it because I was being held against my will. Unfortunately my life was not an episode in NCIS. I really had no line of defence, or even someone else to blame. It was simple. It was me. I was the problem. But I never would have admitted it at the time. Who would?

Through experience I've come to see that as people, we are pretty rubbish when we are all fired up. I was great at getting fired up to prove I'm right. Sometimes it's a teacher, sometimes it's a parent. And sometimes they are wrong.

But most often we find, the battle is inside of us. Yes, we may be disagreeing with someone, but what's stopping us from letting go of wanting to be right all the time? Where to from here? If we face a situation or a person how should we respond?

Here's some tips:

1. Find your cold spot: Pulse racing? Volume increasing? Maybe it's best to remove yourself from the situation. If you can't remove yourself from the place or away from a person, maybe take some time to find your mental cold spot. That place where everything is great, and you're on an island sipping a coconut. Find that place where you can relax.

2. Take some time: However long you need to remove your thoughts from the "I am right, they are wrong" mentality- take that time! You won't be able to be diplomatic in your actions or words when you're still thinking about that stuff.

3. The balance: Ask yourself, is my relationship with this person/people worth more to me than this disagreement?

4. Time to talk: Don't leave the situation or person guessing on whether you're still cool with them. Go back, talk to them in person and be super clear about how you're feeling. If you need more time, be honest.

5. Be close: When we learn to work through a disagreement and we actually make it through- we become closer to those we once disagreed with. We learn to work better with the people around us, and we start to see how different we are from each other. And different is okay. You are never going to be the best at everything, so you need a team around you who can compliment you in your strengths and weaknesses.

Hope this helps you navigate some disagreements. And remember, often the biggest battle is inside you.

Tim Jenner

Social Worker and Chaplain Extraordinaire 

Never make permanent decisions based on temporary feelings

“You can' trust your feelings. You just can’t trust the volume of them.” Dr Deborah Kern

Aka - Don’t do anything crazy when you’re all worked up in the moment’.

Our feelings are often our biggest motivators to make a change.

Your feelings probably sound like "Right, that's it!, I can't take it anymore." or "I am never going back there again."

The problem with this is, that we can’t always trust our feelings, our emotions and our thoughts.

Emotions are very real and there is no doubt that you feel that way in the moment, but the truth is, the height of our feelings and emotions aren’t always based on fact and don't always reflect reality.

We are big belivers in the fact that just because you think it; just because you feel it, doesn’t make it true and doesn’t mean it is final.

Maybe your girlfriend broke up with you and you feel like no one is every going to like you again. That hurt and pain is real, but it doesn’t make it true.

Maybe you fumbled BIG time in your rugby game and everyone yelled at you. You feel like the biggest idiot and like you will never get that play right, but that doesn’t make it true.

We have to recognize that feelings come and go and take that into account next time we want to make a decision based on how we feel.

Because we at iZRA get what it’s like to be very emotional people (trust me, sometimes there is more drama in my head than a Kardashian wedding), here are some checks that I’ve put in place to stop me from making permanent decisions based on temporary feelings:

1. If you feel the same way about a situation for even 2 whole weeks, no changes, no doubts, then maybe it’s time to talk to someone about making some serious change.

Growing up, I would always change between wanting to cut my hair off and wanting to have it super long- like every week. So my Mum made a rule that if I wanted to cut my hair off for a whole month, then I could do it at the end of that time. If I changed my mind at least once in that time, I had to start counting again- my hair stayed long. Basic example, but it can save you from BIG mistakes. 

2. Have someone who can tell you when you’re letting your emotions run wild.

Find someone a bit older than you who you can trust and who you can be really honest with; someone who generally makes pretty good decisions. It might be an older cousin, a teacher or a chaplain, someone who isn’t afraid to tell you when you’re being a bit of a drongo. Make a promise to yourself that you will always run big decisions by that person first, whether it’s getting back with that ex, getting a tattoo or quitting your favourite sport because you’ve had enough.

3. Remember, 'just because I think it, doesn’t make it true'.

Your feelings are valid and real, but they are just that, feelings not fact.

Hang in there! 

 

But sometimes it's a little more serious….

If you, or someone you care about, is in crisis and you think immediate action is needed, call emergency services (triple zero – 000), contact your doctor or mental health crisis service, or go to your local hospital emergency department. Do not leave the person alone, unless you are concerned for your own safety.

To speak to someone immediately contact the beyondblue Support Service on 1300 22 4636 or Lifeline 13 11 44.

Anxiety- When it's more than a little worry

We all worry about things-

Is Mum going to find that rotten banana at the bottom of my bag and make me clean it out?

Will Mum and Dad stay together? 

Is that guy going to pick me out and embarrass me in sport again today?

Sometimes this worry can be a bit more intense and consuming though, as you become anxious.

You know when your hearts starts beating faster as you open that exam paper? 

Your breathing speeds up and you fill with adrenalin?

Those feelings generally fade away after a minute or so as you calm down, but for some, those feelings can happen multiple times throughout the day and sometimes for no apparent reason. 

Anxiety can feel hard to control and can stop you from being involved in everyday life.

If you feel this way, it's not something to be embarrassed about, but it's definitely something you should learn more of and talk to someone about.

You don't have to live with it forever and if left untreated, it can become all consuming and make everyday living difficult.

This is a link to a page all about anxiety; what it means, how it happens and how you can recover with the right support and treatment.

Remember, getting help is BRAVE, not weak.