If you’re anything like us, failure is something that we grew up hating and would do almost anything to avoid! Whether it’s getting a certain mark on a test, reaching a fitness goal or perfecting that skill, failure often feels like a step backwards and something that we need to punish ourselves for.
Sometimes punishing ourselves looks like the way we speak to ourselves, our internal voice telling us that we’re stupid or pathetic (or whatever your inner voice sounds like) and consistently reminding ourselves of our failure, like a broken record of doom! It can look like hiding our failures out of shame and embarrassment, avoiding the people who could help us and isolating ourselves. Other times it can look like punishing ourselves by not allowing ourselves to do the things we love, like hanging out with friends or things that we find relaxing.
Somewhere along the way, we tell ourselves that to reach our goals, we need to be hard on ourselves and punish failure. However, while self-discipline and routine are really important, research is telling us that seeing failure negatively and allowing ourselves to feel ashamed and embarrassed of it is actually one of the worst things we can do if we want to be resilient to failure and bounce back from it quickly!
When we have a habit of punishing ourselves for failures or mistakes and see them as something to be ashamed of, research is telling us that we are much less likely to try new things, step out of our comfort zone, ask for help and persist at developing a skill to the point of excellence.
What the studies are saying, is that a much better approach to failure and disappointment is to show ourselves compassion. Self-Compassion might seem fluffy and vague, but it is really just remembering that everyone fails and makes mistakes. When we stuff up, self-compassion acknowledges that it can be painful and doesn’t try to make you feel worse by rubbing it in or being all dramatic about it. Showing yourself compassion means taking a step back and looking at the bigger picture.
Here are some really easy ways to show self-compassion this week:
Celebrate the small wins: A big part of self-compassion is acknowledging the failure, but looking for the growth. If you failed the section on trigonometry in your Math test because you were using the wrong formula, it might be really disappointing that you didn’t get the mark you wanted, but self-compassion will help you celebrate the fact that you learnt the correct formula and won’t make the same mistake next time. Self-compassion allows you to ask for help because everyone needs help at some point and celebrates growth no matter how it came about.
Ask yourself “How would I treat a friend in this situation?”: Think of the way that you would treat a friend when they stuffed up. Chances are you would see their disappointment and find ways to encourage them! You wouldn’t point out everything that could go wrong because of this, you would point out what they learnt from the disappointment and remind them that everyone makes mistakes. Try sharing some of that love with yourself next time you slip up.
Remember the 5 by 5 rule: If it won’t matter in 5 years, don’t spend more than 5 minutes stressing about it. If it will matter in 5 years, put your energy into making it right, rather than wallowing or hiding your mistake.
If you missed the winning goal in your basketball game, forgive yourself and practice your shooting.
If you let down a friend, apologise and make it up, rather than letting it become dramatic and talking to everyone except the friend about it.
If you forgot your lines in front of the whole school assembly, forgive yourself and remember that it happens to everyone.
Dwelling on your mistakes only diminishes your confidence for next time. Forgiving yourself, letting it go and learning, will see you bounce back better than before!
Next time you stuff something up or fail (probably within the next 24 hours), remember, punishing yourself won’t make you better next time! Cut yourself some slack, talk to yourself like you would talk to your friend and throw your energy into learning for next time.
You can find a little more on Self-Compassion by Dr. Kristin Neff here.