THEY NEED YOU MORE THAN THEY THINK.

So your once cuddly child who told you they loved you 50 times a day is a teenager now. We can pretty easily guess that the cuddles and the '‘I love you’s” are few and far between, so you’ve probably learnt to hold back and play it cool with your teenager. You’ve found a new normal to avoid smothering and the rejection that comes with it.

We’re also sure that there are probably still those few moments of vulnerability where you teenager remembers how much they love you and actually need the security and safety your relationship provides.

But back to playing it cool.

One of the areas you have to play it cool the most, is most likely with your teenager’s friends, right? You want to give them space to hang out with their people and you try not to come on too strong. We get it.
You might be interested to learn though, that there is one area in particular, where you teenager needs you soooo much more than their friends. No, we’re not just talking about providing their meals, clothes, education and a roof over their head.

New research has shown that your teenager needs you to help them study!

Previously, research found that parents have a calming effect in childhood when it comes to social stress and anxiety, much more than the presence of their friends. After puberty, friends can often take that place of buffering social stress and helping them feel relaxed socially.
However, new research has found that when preparing for a speech or studying for an exam, adolescents are more likely to have higher stress levels when preparing with friends or peers, than if they were to prepare with their parents. The changes in oxytocin levels were particularly noticeable in adolescent boys!

Wow!

So whether your teenager knows how to express it or not, your presence and encouragement as they prepare for the big moments in their lives is crucial.
Sure you may have to push through a lack of enthusiasm and eye rolls, but let’s remember to be the calming, affirming voice in their lives when they’re feeling vulnerable.
Everyone gravitates to people they feel calm around and you’re helping bring out the best in them!

See, they need you more than they think and probably even more than you think.

Study- Social Stress Buffering by Friends in Childhood and Adolescence: Effects on HPA and Oxytocin Activity: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5538015/

SUPPORTING YOUR CHILD AND TEENAGER DURING SOCIAL DISTANCING

Our entire world has been turned upside down due to Covid-19 and in a crazy twist of events, most parents now find themselves wearing another hat…. The Relief Teacher! * gasp *

We have put together a few tips and a brilliant Resilience Resource to help you keep your sanity and see your children and teenagers flourish during this time at home.

• MAINTAIN A ROUTINE: A good sleep-in will be a novelty for the first day or two, but a lack of routine and structure long term can lead to feelings of depression, lethargy and increase the negative impacts of social distancing. With everyone working from home, there is no need for the usual morning stress as everyone gets out the door and you can now be more relaxed, but try to make sure everyone has breakfast, gets dressed and cleans up before getting stuck into their school work! Let them pick their morning playlist and have a bit of fun with it!
  

• SET GOALS: Humans are wired for purpose and achievement so it’s important to help your child or teenager set some goals for this time. Each person will have different types of goals that they will find fulfilling, so we’re not just talking about the kind of goals YOU might have for them… like cleaning out their closet… ;)
  
  Chat with them about what they will find fulfilling to achieve during this time. One of your children might find it fulfilling to read a certain number of books, while another might like to design a video game or learn an instrument. Depending on the child, it will probably be helpful to set small daily goals and larger goals for the weeks that they are experiencing social distancing. Throw some physical activity goals in there too!
  

• LIMIT NEWS EXPOSURE: We don’t need to tell you how many channels your child is hearing news through, it’s on TV, radio and social media - it is EVERYWHERE! Even having the news on in the background can lead to a range of different messages and opinions, with bits of information that your child or teenager is absorbing unnecessarily. If you and the family are wanting current information on the virus, the Australian Government’s website is a great place for facts without the emotion or drama sometimes added to news stories and commentary.
  

• MAKE SURE THEY ARE STILL SOCIALISING: For a lot of teenagers, social media will ensure they have PLENTY of contact with their friends, but for some, you might need to encourage or facilitate quality connection through platforms such as Zoom where you can play games like Jackbox by sharing screens, or via the Houseparty app where you can play built-in games. If your young children don’t have social media, set up a FaceTime play date where they do a similar Arts and Crafts project at the same time.
  

• KEEP THE CONVERSATION OPEN: While this can be a difficult time for all, we can also use this as an opportunity to strengthen family relationships and teach our young people resilience through adversity- they need it now more than ever! As you open up and share your feelings around the situation and the healthy coping mechanisms you are using to manage stress, you are not only modelling emotional intelligence but also normalising vulnerability. This is a great time to share personal experiences you have had in your life, like a time you felt nervous or lonely. It’s also the best time to share your personal faith, even taking time to pray or meditate as a family.
  The headspace app has some great guided meditation available for free!

  To support parents and facilitate these resilience conversations, we have released a 7 episode video series called ‘MARKED’ that parents can use with their children/teenagers.
  The series is designed for Year 5-10 and focuses on Emotional Intelligence, Self Responsibility and Empathy, with each episode running for 5-6 minutes.

  This resource comes with a Discussion Guide to prompt important and positive conversations and can be downloaded through the link below.

Whatever kind of week you are having, just know that you are probably doing better than you think!
Ensure you are staying in contact with your friends, taking time to look after your own physical and mental health and remember that in the course of your child’s life, this will just be a blip on the radar. It might seem crazy now, but in 10 years time, you will probably look back fondly on this time where everyone is working from home!!

KEEP UP THE GREAT WORK PARENTS!! WE’RE CHEERING YOU ON * crowd roars *

PREPARING YOUR TEENAGER FOR LEAVERS WEEK.

Have you got a child finishing school this year? Chances are they'll be celebrating and if they are heading to South West Leavers, we've got some tips to ease your mind.

The Leavers celebration is seen as a rite of passage for many WA students. While a lot of us would love to keep our kids safe and sound at home, this isn't always possible. That being said, the Leavers Strategy aims to create a safe environment for the thousands of students descending on a town. 

The Leavers Strategy brings together services that aim to keep your child safe and supported during the week. These support services include the Police, St John's Ambulance, Red Frogs Australia and many more (for a full list, visit the Leavers website). This means that there are over 500 volunteers and paid workers who willingly help and support throughout the week, from Leavers wristband purchasing locations, their accommodation and the Entertainment Zone at night.

Knowing that there will be support on the ground, some of the things you can do to help and prepare your teenager include:

1. Staying in touch: Even though your child might not phone to check in regularly, we'd encourage you to set up a call at least once during the week for you to chat! A phone call could put your mind at ease (and theirs as well).

2. Help them pack: The excitement of the impending Leavers celebration can be tremendous. The best thing that you can do to support your child is to help them prepare. Make sure to send them down with some nutritious food that is quick and easy to cook up. Also, warm clothes are a must - remind your child that it gets cold down there!

3. Have the important conversations: Don't be afraid to have a frank conversation about what they expect from Leavers. This conversation can (and should) touch on alcohol and drugs, safe sex, and travel. The more open you are to discuss these topics, the less they might hide from you and be willing to call if things go wrong.

For more practical tips and tricks, head to the Red Frogs Australia website.

Hayden Glass
Red Frogs WA Coordinator

Stay connected

Red Frogs Australia

Hayden Glass

Leavers WA

PARENTS - YOU'RE DOING A GREAT JOB.

Parenting can be a pretty humbling gig.
Either you’re at the stage where you are constantly wiping your child’s butt and have snot scraped across your clothes or you’re at the stage where your child vocally shares their distain in your fashion sense, parenting decisions and music taste, making you feel 100 years old.

Whatever your stage of parenting, we know it can be a tough and thankless job at times, but we know you’re turning up everyday and putting your child’s needs above your own, and we think that is EPIC.
No matter how well you feel you are doing, we think you’re doing a GREAT JOB!

To remind you of what an incredible impact your everyday actions are having on your children and teenagers, we have put together some of the research about the impacts of parenting:
The stats don’t lie!:

1. Talking:
   For some parents that may sound so ordinary that it could hardly make a difference, and for other parents with reserved and introverted teenagers, that may sound incredibly difficult. Whatever your relationship with your child, your everyday conversations with them are game changers.

   
   Research says, “Students whose parents regularly talked to them were two-thirds of a school-year ahead in science, and even after accounting for social background, the advantage remains at one-third of a school year.” (https://www.bbc.com/news/business-39577514)
   
   What may seem like just a casual conversation about their day, is a great opportunity for your teenager to process what is going on in their world and even ask your advice when they need it. When casual conversations are the norm in your relationship, they are far more comfortable to bring up difficult subjects and seek support when they are struggling with school, relationships, emotions etc.
   

2. Belonging:
   By just being there for your children and giving them a place they belong (whether they seem as though they like belonging to your family or not), you are providing them with security that studies have found decreases the likelihood of the onset of chronic disease, disability, mental illness, and death. (http://www.uniteforsight.org/gender-power/module1#_ftn1)
   
   They may not always be openly proud to share your last name and postal address in public, but the fact that they have a family to come home to and be known by, is doing more than you know to protect them physically, mentally and emotionally!
   

3. Encouraging:
   It may seem like water off a duck’s back when you encourage your child or teenager and tell them how much you believe in them. They may shrug it off and make you feel like you’re annoying and embarrassing, but your encouragement is actually shaping their views of themselves and giving them the confidence to face each day.
   
   Research shows that girls’ whose parents remind them to trust their abilities are 21% less likely to report feeling anxious about school. (https://www.bbc.com/news/business-39577514).
   
   When they tell you how badly they did in a test or share their disappointment in a performance, your response, positive or negative, is informing their inner voice. Keep up that encouragement and support, whether you get a good reaction from them or not!
   
   
   As you can see, even your simplest, ordinary and everyday actions are bringing out the best in your child or teenager and until the day they work that out and thank you, we are here to say ‘keep up the good work!’
   

HELP YOUR TEENAGER GET A JOB.

They live under your roof, you feed them, you buy them clothes and yet they still come asking you for more money to buy bubble tea and Yeezys... whenever the time is right, it is undoubtedly in everyone's best interest for your teenager to get a job! Here are a few tips for you to help them out:

Identify their strengths and the opportunities around them: While a 15 year may not have any jobs to list as work experience on a resume, there are probably some significant and relevant experiences they have had that are applicable to the kinds of job they are applying for.

It can be hard for them to make those connections sometimes and see their strengths clearly, so you are the BEST person to sit down with your teenager and go through some of their extra curricular activities that may have developed relevant skills. Some examples to think through might be sports teams they have played in that require teamwork, punctuality, the ability to work under pressure and good communication skills - all handy traits for a job in a busy restaurant. If they have served on a student council, they will have gained leadership skills, learnt how to take initiative and how to negotiate.

Another great idea is to think through any work experience they could gain through volunteering. Perhaps your child wants to get a job in fashion retail? They could gain some great experience in visual merchandising and dealing with money at your local op shop! An employer is always going to look more favourably on a resume that has consistent volunteer work over a resume with no work experience at all.

Side note: what a. great excuse for you to be able to tell your teenager how great they are without them shrugging you off and walking away!

Clean up the digital footprint: This can be an interesting conversation with your teenager, but also a really important one!

If you haven’t had a good chat about what your teenager is posting online, then now is as good a time as any to discuss the impact of what we share online and how we can lose control of our images when we post them online. Here are some good questions to ask when thinking about applying for a job:

1. Would you be comfortable with a future employer seeing the kinds of photos you post online (ie. how you are dressed, how you are posing and what you are doing?)

2. Are you proud of the photos you are you tagged in?

3. Would you be comfortable speaking to a future employer in the same way you comment and write captions online? If the answers are no or unsure, then that gives you a pretty good idea of what might need to be taken down, regardless of whether a future employer would google them or not.

For a broader chat around e-safety, the Australian Government have some great resources here.

Pre prepare examples for the interview: Workplaces love to ask for examples of times you have solved a problem, made a mistake or worked in a team.

Sit down with your teenager and help them identify some examples of those kind of scenarios and then get them to practice explaining the example to you. An interviewer will be looking for an example of how they responded and a lesson they learnt. This is a great opportunity for your teenager to demonstrate values of honesty, integrity, taking initiative and teachability.

Practicing them beforehand will mean they won't have to be taken off guard in the moment, especially if they are nervous!

And there you have it! As your teenager’s biggest support, your encouragement and preparation will be a gamechanger for them.

For more inside tips and activities, why not download our ‘Get a Job’ digital workbook’ to work through with your teenager!

SUPPORTING YOUR TEENAGER THROUGH STRESS.

The period of adolescence can be one of the most stressful and difficult periods of an individual’s life. As a critical development period, adolescence is where a child is transitioning to adulthood, that already sounds overwhelming! They are faced with new responsibilities, physical and hormonal changes, and their focus shifts from parents to peers. Which usually means everything you did before now becomes embarrassing for them. If you are observing changes of behaviour and mood, here is some information that may help in identifying and managing stress caused by developmental changes and lifestyle factors. 

The point of stress is to shift our body into a rapid response, to a stimulus. Some stress can be beneficial for us, depending on what the trigger is.  The type of stress we want to be aware of is chronic stress.

Acute stress is experienced only for a short period such as having a test or a job interview. This type of stress can be beneficial and can help us to prepare for challenges. If acute stress is experienced on a single incident that is traumatic, this can cause mental health problems such as post-traumatic stress.

Chronic stress on the other hand can be cumulative and build over time. Chronic stress is when our body is experiencing a stress response for a long period of time. This can be due to external issues such as work or worry about a certain situation. Situations such as isolation, relationship issues, physical health concerns, caring for someone, overworking or being in a stressful environment means that we may be experiencing a prolonged stress response. Sometimes when we have not had any opportunity to recover or process an event and something else happens, this can cause compounded stress.

When we experience an event which causes a stress response, our body releases adrenalin and cortisol. These hormones increase our heart rate, blood pressure and muscles tension. Our metabolism also speeds up, and our senses are heightened. We are ready to respond rapidly and effectively. Over time this stress response can cause the following physical symptoms:

·       Heart palpitations

·       Fatigue

·       Sleep disturbances

·       Upset stomach

·       Frequent headaches

·       Muscular aches

·       Lowered immune system

And psychologically:

·       Fear

·       Worry

·       Anger

·       Tearfulness

·       Irritability

·       Anxiety

·       Difficulty with memory

·       A sense of being overwhelmed

Long term stress, in conjunction with a lack of coping mechanisms, or unhealthy coping skills can lead to potentially negative results. As parents you hold a valuable role where you can model positive coping behaviours for your children.  As children and teenagers develop they will look to you for how you overcame certain difficulties and how you manage stress. It may also mean you can create an environment in your home that is open to conversations about stress. Throughout this developmental period, adolescents are individuating from their parents to find their own sense of identity. This can mean it is difficult to know what may be going on for them as they can be closed off to sharing with you. Here are some tips to keep in mind when you might be wanting to support a young person through stressful situations:

Find out what is causing the stress. Is it something that can be changed such as perceived pressure or expectations? Social relationships and life issues can seem trivial but may also be easily changed.

Focus on building resilience. Resilience is an internal feeling that is built on overcoming adverse experiences and with a positive outcome. This is something that can be built over time and through various methods. Reflect their strengths and encourage them to do activities they enjoy and are good at. This will build their sense of self-esteem. Positively affirm them when they have had a big success.

Encourage physical activity. Joining in sports and similar pro social activities will have positive impacts on stress levels and mood. Physical activity can reduce our physiological stress responses along with the social factor which can cause an individual to feel connected and develop a positive support network.

Sleep. Encouraging a regular sleep pattern is imperative for the brain to restore and repair the impacts of stress. This can be done by creating a routine around sleep times during the week, this way the body will learn to expect it. When we try and sleep and our mind is in overdrive this only exacerbates stress and can cause rumination of all the issues that are stressing us out. It is important to have a pre-sleep routine, which may start an hour or half an hour before bed. Things such as reducing screen time, herbal tea, a hot shower, reading and anything that will assist to wind down physically and mentally.

Talk to someone. It is important to identify what the stressors are and put strategies in place to reduce them. When young people are stressed, they can feel they are isolated and alone. They may even question their self-confidence in being able to manage. It is important they find connection. It may be that this is from a professional or from friends.

Mabel Rolt - Director of See Counselling

Find out more about See Counselling and their services:

RAISING A 'FAIL PROOF' TEENAGER.

How great would it be to ‘fail-proof’ our children?!

Failure generally has all of these negative connotations. Often, in our own lives it has been something that we want to hide and avoid, something to feel ashamed of.

Sometimes out of love for our children, we can inadvertently communicate that fear of failure to them as we try to protect them from the pain we have known all too well. When the rubber hits the road though, we know that some of our biggest failures have been the making of us.

When we talk about ‘fail-proofing’ our children, we’re not suggesting that anyone should be capable of raising a child that never fails, we’re talking about raising children who see failure as a speed bump rather than a roadblock. We want to raise resilient children who understand failure to be an opportunity to grow rather than something to avoid and hide.

Here are some tips that come from the Failing Well workshop IZRA runs in Primary and Secondary schools.

1. Redefine failure

To raise ‘fail proof’ children, we have to change the way we talk about failure. Rather than failure being something that you give your children lots of sympathy for or show disappointment in, when we frame our response as encouragement for their effort and excitement in what they can learn, then it doesn’t have to be a sad occasion.

While we want to give weight to what our children care about and never want to be too dismissive of their challenges, we also want to be deliberate about reframing the experience of failure into opportunity for growth.

When our children experience failure, let’s ask questions like ‘what did you learn for next time?’ Questions like this celebrate what can be gained from the experience and subtly infer that there will be a next time so that it is assumed they will try again!

2. Catch their language

Something we repeat over and over in our school programs is that “failure is only something that happens, never something we are,” because there is significance in the way that our children talk about themselves.

As our children respond to an event of failure, we have to watch the language they use around it and help them separate the event from their identity. When we catch them referring to themselves as a failure or as stupid/dumb/terrible at sport etc. that’s your chance to catch their language and separate the event from their identity.

When they identify as their failure or their weakness, lovingly step in and correct it, saying;

“You can’t talk like that about my son/daughter!”

“You’re not stupid, you just had the chance to learn something for next time! I'm so proud of how hard you're trying."

3. Embrace feedback

We all know that being able to receive feedback is one of the best ways to grow and develop, however it is often associated with failure and rejection.

If we want our children to see feedback as helpful, we have to watch how we respond to feedback in our personal lives, because they are always watching. Do we get defensive when they critique our cooking or when our partner makes a suggestion on how we can do something differently?

How do we talk about people at work who give us feedback?

Do we talk about feedback as if it is helpful or as if that person had no right to say that to us?

As hard as it is, our children are always watching us and our responses are shaping their feelings around feedback.

Give those tips a go and for the record - you’re doing a great job too!

Cassie Kirtisingham- Founder of IZRA

To find out more about IZRA's Failing Well Resilience Workshop, watch the trailer below and visit our schools page.